This is Part 2 of “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It”

First, let me apologize if you got a little PTSD from Part 1 of this piece. In order for us to move on though, I have to get this era documented and out of the way, so let’s do it!

Now…where were we?

Oh, right!

In March of 2020, we started Private Appointments at Sum Girls (which I loved). We ran those simultaneously with our Online Shop (which I hated). But then, on June 6th, 2020 – just six days before my 49th birthday – brick and mortar spaces were permitted 10 people or less inside their stores, which (to me) meant, “Happy Birthday and Peace Out, Online Store! We’re back in biz!”

It was definitely different though. The business world had turned into the Wild West. There were no real rules anymore. “COVID” was a part of every question and every response.

Business owners were doing what fit their business models and questionable future, hoping their moves were legal and ethical – or they were shameless opportunists, getting away with what they could, while they could. (And some, a hybrid of both.)

Interestingly enough, at this time, small businesses were receiving a nice little uptick of consumer support. As we helplessly watched so many of our beloved shoppes and restaurants closing up, social media moved towards shopping small and supporting local.

Basically, Use it or lose it, baby. The pandemic was kicking ass and it was survival of the fittest. Period.

Our customers were with us though. I remember how I felt as a business owner when certain, special customers left encouraging comments on our social media posts or purchased Gift Cards. I still haven’t forgotten those customers, and how they believed in us – and I never will.

Loyalty. Support. Hope.

That was the small business owner’s mantra, and I knew if ever there was a time to make changes at Sum Girls with the least amount of pushback, that was the time to do it.

I changed our hours, updated our consignment guidelines, reconstructed our donation endeavors, and, as I watched my younger daughter “JJ” (11 years old at the time) growing up and out of the Girls 8-12 sizes, I decided to cut “Tween” out of the boutique completely, concentrating solely on Teen and Women’s Sizes.

We redesigned The Tween Area of the shoppe and transitioned it into a more mature, relaxed space we now refer to as The Lounge. We downsized racks, added a new couch, coffee tables, and a custom, light-up, neon pink sign that says: This Must Be The Place. (Because you know it is, baby! Wink.)

The glow up at Sum Girls was a bright spot during a dark period, and while I braced myself for the initial resistance that usually accompanies change, I knew the right people would grow with us and come to love the shoppe even more.

With our new, more grown-up vibe, we fell in line with the times. We featured seasonal style suitable for working or schooling-from-home: Sweats, Joggers, Hoodies, T-Shirts, Leggings, Kaftans. It was Covid. No one was getting dressed up anymore.

Formalwear got pushed out of the shoppe as the rhetorical phrase “Where am I going??” was on repeat. People were no longer looking for dressy dresses or office attire, they were staying home and staying comfy, so I stopped torturing myself trying to decide which dressy and office items we should feature – we just stopped featuring all of it.

Work From Home. School from Home. Everyone is Home.

In September of 2020, that’s how it was. Kids were going Back-To-School, but online instead of in-person. We weren’t happy about it, but we were expecting it. Most kids ended the previous school year at home, so it wasn’t a total surprise. But still, Back-to-School took on a whole different meaning during Covid, because really kids weren’t really going BACK anywhere, except backwards.

Not all kids, but a lot of them. I could tell when they came to the shoppe how distant, anxious and awkward they were. Socialization and education on screens all day is not as effective as in-person instruction and being with peers. It’s just not. And it showed.

Before the 2020-2021 school year started, I put one of my amazing rhymes on our social media pages about coming to Sum Girls Boutique for Back-to-School threads instead of logging-in to class still wearing the pajamas they slept in.

I never considered my post to be anything other than inoffensive Back-To-School marketing, but you know…some people just NEED to be outraged, and sure enough, a supremely angry local lady disagreed with my amazing rhyme so much, she went OFF in the comments of our post AND on her personal page. She thought my amazing rhyme was “cringey,” and as far as she was concerned, it was none of my business what her kids wore when they logged-in to online school.

Okayyyyyy.

Thankfully, I’ve had my fair share of haters so I wasn’t much bothered by her not enjoying my awesome rhyme and Back-To-School marketing. What bothered me was how she (someone who unabashedly referred to herself as a “feminist”) would go out of her way to shred another woman, one who is trying to keep a small business alive, in her own community, during a global pandemic.

Seriously.  Like how messed up do you have to be to do that?

But people were messed up.

Luckily, I have some very special, unforgettable friends and customers who came to my defense, and I realized her reaction to my amazing rhyme made me more sad than mad. I was just trying to help get people out of the house and into the light.

The pandemic helped show us just how many people struggle with mental wellness and anxiety, and the importance of finding ways to cope. I got lit up just that once, but it was a good representation of what was happening in our country, and just how many ways we can be divided.

Once we became more comfortable with our new reality, and we weren’t living in a state of constant fear, (around Novemberish, 2020) the Sum Girls social media posts started touting new, Covid-related hashtags and taglines such as #CoronaCasual or “Corona Chic at Sum Girls Boutique!” All of our marketing pointed towards staying cozy and healthy.

High maintenance anything – from food to clothes to people – was OUT.

For me, the biggest problem was the masks. We wore masks a lot. I think back to the front line, health care workers and all they had to endure, and I know I have ZERO room to bitch about anything, but wearing a mask all day at Sum Girls sucked. My personality is such that I lead with a smile, and a smile isn’t always easy to convey behind a mask.

Everyone working at the shoppe dialed it up to 10 on the “smizing” meter. We tried to exude relentless positivity, as we knew people weren’t feeling so positive. And trust me, they had reasons to feel that way:

Big reasons like tens of millions of jobs lost, record high unemployment, and the loss of all special events and entertainment like concerts, sports, parties, plays and movies.

Hard things like people stuck working and parenting at home — full time — longing for a change of scenery.

It was my honor to provide a safe destination in our community so people could treat themselves to a little style and fun. Sum Girls was an escape where people could feel “normal” as more and more everyday things were falling out of existence.

Like hugging and handshakes. We were no longer making physical contact with people outside our immediate family so hugs and handshakes were abruptly replaced by pandemic alternatives such as fist bumps and elbow taps (which I refused to do, because NO).

I mourned the loss of the handshake. For me, it had been a tone setter and deal breaker since I first entered the business world in my 20’s. Wading my way through meetings and lunches, the handshake was my trusted barometer for preliminarily judging people – especially men.

When I was young, my Dad took real time to teach me how to correctly shake hands. I’ve always respected a firm shake, and even now I can usually size up a guy’s level of confidence, intelligence and respect for women in a handshake.

(Can’t do that with an elbow tap!)

As we continued to learn more and more about how the Coronavirus was actually transmitted, for some, anxiety and fear morphed into understanding and acceptance. But for others, (me) it created annoyance.

People could NOT get their mask game together. Seriously. Masks were all over parking lots and around trash cans, but rarely IN them. (So gross.) Even at home, I’d walk in and see my daughters’ nasty ass masks just sitting on the kitchen table. BARF. Divas!! 

And the people driving with a mask on, but NO ONE else is in the car?!? I’m sorry, I’ll never get that. No one else is with you! Who are you going to get the virus from??

But it took months for me to get annoyed, because in the beginning, I was definitely scared. We all were.

The pandemic brought on the first time I have ever been fearful about my daughter, “F,” being Asian. There was an alarming increase in anti-Asian hate crimes and I wanted ”F” to be prepared. Kids her age repeat what they hear at home. In other words, Mel Gibson wasn’t born a Jew hater, his dad was a professional, it was ingrained.

At the same time, I’m appreciative for the unique opportunity the pandemic offered in terms  of more parental time. My daughters were home more so we took walks and talked. We had lunch together on the days I worked from home, and although I grieved for them not being around their friends in the cafeteria, it was fun to watch them blah-blah-blah with each other.

We gave up on striving for “normal” and lived life as-is, finding bright spots and silver linings along the way. One time, on an especially beautiful spring day, I remember  “JJ” and I driving to get manicures. We were singing It’s The End Of World As We Know It  like BOSSES, windows down, volume up – and for a few blissful moments, we forgot about the pandemic.

We were, however, quickly reminded when we accidentally walked into the manicure place, sans masks, to a sea of faces staring at us like we were naked. We still laugh about how we just looked at each other like OOPSIE as we ran back to the car in a fit of giggles to get our masks.

And now, here we are. Second quarter of 2025 and many of us are finding ourselves, once again, plunged into a familiar pool of fear and uncertainty. But we’re not going to give into that fear. We’re going to stay positive and educated and utilize the strength of our community. We’re going to get smart about the news we consume and we’re going to rely on reputable outlets. We’re going to support each other and support local, and we’re going to continue finding joy in the chaos, together.

* * * * *

Thank you for welcoming me back and letting me get these two Covid Era posts out of the way. I debated whether or not I should promote them, or just send to friends and fam as I did when I first started writing and blogging. The world has changed significantly since then and I am deeply grateful for you still seeing value here. Thank you for supporting my endeavors, and for your encouraging comments and engagement.

I love and appreciate all of you.

#imnotarapperimanadapter #DimSumAndDoughnuts #SumGirlsBoutique

I’m having a very hard time starting this. It’s not so easy to jump back in after all this time, like nothing has happened, because we all know, stuff has happened.

The last time I posted on this site was during the Covid-19/Coronavirus pandemic. Most of us have never lived through a pandemic so we didn’t know what we were living through.

My earliest memory of Coronavirus was in February, 2020. We were in Aruba celebrating my daughter (F’s) Bat Mitzvah. F wanted no part of a traditional synagogue service followed by the customary, blow-out celebration. That’s not her thing. She opted instead for a family-only private service in the Rabbi’s study, and a family vacation instead of a party. We suggested going to China, but F had her heart set on Aruba.

The trip to Aruba was to celebrate F achieving legal adulthood under Jewish Law, but I also needed that trip, bad. I was a beat-up b*tch from the small business I started in 2017 (Sum Girls Boutique) and the last thing I wanted to do at that time was plan a Bat Mitzvah. Guest lists, invitations, logistics, event planning, family/friend drama, guilt.

PASS.

A family vacation to Aruba though? Just the four of us?? And Cody Husband was going to plan the whole thing!?

Sign me up!

It was our first family vacation since opening Sum Girls, and I will forever thank my daughter for going that route. Not only did F stay true to herself, but she also gave me a free pass to CHECK THE F*CK OUT for a whole week.

And you know I did.

We were ballers, lounging lazily in our private cabana. Surrounded by fashion magazines and sunscreen, we ordered fresh fruit and sandwiches from our Cabana Boy, “Jeffrey,” who we affectionately nicknamed because of Matt Dillon in The Flamingo Kid. 

I do remember seeing early articles about a deadly virus in Wuhan, China, but I swiped up, or right, or whichever way I could to get away from those bad vibes. Got no time for THAT right now. Vacation, baby! Who needs another Pina Colada?!?

Plus, I thought the whole thing was going to be China’s problem. But no. Things got serious for the U.S. real fast, and the first death was reported on February 29th, 2020 — just after we got home from our trip.

The virus moved swiftly across the country. Businesses, schools and social gatherings were shut down; hospitals were running out of ventilators, and unemployment rates reached their highest level since the Great Depression.

The WHO declared a global pandemic. Wall Street tanked, and Trump issued various travel bans. California was the first to issue a stay-at-home order, but by the end of March, dozens of states followed suit.

People started working from home, and public schools went remote. Toilet paper, paper towel, hand sanitizer and Clorox wipes all became overnight prized commodities – and we saw the word “unprecedented” embedded in pretty much every piece of news content.

It was all beginning to resemble something Kurt Vonnegut would have written. One minute you’re plugging along, standard operating procedure, and the next minute you’re in a surgical mask, 6 feet away from the person in front of you, waiting in line, outside, to get into Trader Joes.

It was pretty surreal.

We sanitized E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. We social distanced from our friends and family. We wore lunch lady gloves and wiped down our groceries. We covered our faces with scarves and masks, and scrubbed our hands until they were raw.

All at once, everything felt so extra, but also like not enough. In the beginning though, with so many different outlets and platforms dispensing disparate information, trying to figure out what we were supposed to be doing, and who to believe, wasn’t always so easy.

Social media was, as you can imagine, completely out of control. The utter excess of news (and fake news) was abundant, scary, and/or inaccurate. Suddenly, all outlets had a great topic everyone was interested in, so it was E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E.

Like most people, I did a lot of “Doomscrolling” because I was starved for information. I was searching for anything intelligent to help me protect my family, my businesses, and myself.

Scroll, scroll, scroll…

It wasn’t good. No one can thrive under a dark, heavy blanket of bad news. I needed to find balance. I had to find a place where I was educated and informed, but not to the point of defeat and despair.

I started reading only articles from reputable news outlets. That helped cut some of the fat, and it gave me some direction. Owning a brick-and-mortar business was a new game every day because the goal posts kept moving.

I’m fortunate to have smart people in my life, so when I wasn’t getting the comprehensive guidelines I needed, I deferred to a few intelligent, respected, local friends and customers who have their fingers on the pulse of the community, and on our brand and mission.

But really, anyone’s opinion on how to proceed at that time could have been (and usually was) refuted by someone else. No one definitively knew what the real deal was. We were just going with our instincts and trying to stay safe.

Still, if you would have walked into Sum Girls Boutique on Saturday, March 14, 2020 and told me it would be our last day in business for an indefinite amount of time, I don’t think I would have believed you.

Yes, there was some virus chat amongst our customers, and just the day before Trump declared a National Emergency, but the overall vibe at the shoppe was pretty high. Everyone seemed chill and happy to be there, including me. In fact, at one point, I distinctly remember looking around and thinking to myself how proud I was.

At that time, Sum Girls had only been open 2-1/2 years and it was so validating to be standing there, seeing a business inspired by THIS VERY BLOG, brought to life. It was finally starting to hit its stride, and I finally felt a little peace and positivity.

And then we had to close up.

UUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH! It sucked. Thanks, Covid!

I think we might have actually been the first business in our downtown area to close. Looking back at the dates, I realize we could have stayed open a little longer (the Governor ended up not issuing Stay-At-Home orders until March 24th) but it felt like the right time for us.

Every headline I saw was laced with death and more death. I felt if we stayed open, we’d just be contributing to the problem. Besides, I thought we’d be only closed for two weeks. But no, we were closed for two months.

Every day, more and more deaths and hospitalizations were reported. Health care workers FOR SURE got it the worst. They worked crazy-long hours as their colleagues became sick or quarantined. They received ever-changing recommendations from medical and political leaders, and they were perpetually stuck between balancing their commitment to help with an understandable need to protect themselves and their families.

We were staying home, ordering online, and using curbside service. Businesses across many industries issued layoffs and Congress worked out a $2.2 trillion stimulus package to address the country’s impending threat of economic disaster. Supply chains were massively disrupted (and some haven’t fully recovered).

Having to close Sum Girls Boutique was one thing, but my promotional marketing business of over 25 years also abruptly came to a halt. There were no more gatherings, events, meetings or trade shows – which meant there was no need for promotional services or products, or me.

Social Distance. Wash Your Hands. Wear A Mask.

That was the mantra. The goal was to “Flatten the Curve” as COVID-19 reached every continent, including Antarctica! We went from travel, concerts, gatherings, parties and boardroom meetings to baking, bingeing, TikTok’ing, zooming, lounging and tie-dying.

“Folding in the cheese” and Air Fryers were all the rage — even for Cody Husband, who perfected several Tik Tok culinary treasures like cheeseburger sliders, air fryer doughnuts and, on a few occasions, Pasagna. (Yes, that’s pizza and lasagna all in one. I know. Ridiculous, but good.)

Not long after we closed Sum Girls, on March 28, 2020, my daughter, F, had the first ZOOM Bat Mitzvah Service in the history of Temple Beth El. F does not like to be the center of attention, so a ZOOM service from home, in our slippers, was her dream come true!

We had a real life Torah in our house, on loan for the day. And after F’s Mitzvah service and Torah portion, we followed it up with an impressive spread of comfort food and sweet treats in our kitchen. Just the four of us, our perfect pooch, Bruno Marshall, and a Torah. For our family, it was the best. Thanks, Covid! 

Zoom Bat Mitzvah Be Like:

By April of 2020, about half the world was under some sort of lockdown to help mitigate the spread of Coronavirus. Everything was closed except for essential businesses like grocery stores and health care facilities. Basically, everyone was home like “Bored in the house and I’m in the house bored.”

Not me though. I got to work. With both of my businesses now circling the drain, I had my Dad’s voice in my head as I was presented with two choices: Adapt or Die. 

So, I started two different female entrepreneur networking groups and filled them with other bad ass business women who weren’t looking to fold, and I hit our Facebook and Instagram accounts hard so we could stay engaged with our community.

I also created an online shopping site, but I hated that. Sum Girls Boutique was never supposed to be an online shoppe; it’s actually the antithesis of that.

Sum Girls is about taking a break from being online. It’s about logging off and getting out. It’s a magical, inimitable place of empowerment mixed with sustainable, on-trend style, good music, good values and good people. Like the tag line of the Dim Sum & Doughnuts blog, Sum Girls is about having fun and making memories.

That kind of stuff just doesn’t happen shopping online.

But there I was, making myself crazy, spending endless hours trying to set up a freaking online store in order to keep the business afloat. Oh, the irony!

After two months of being closed though, in a phased plan to safely reopen the state of Michigan and economy, Governor Whitmer gave retail businesses the cautious green light, and on May 15, 2020, we pivoted to Private Appointments at Sum Girls.

Cody Husband made sure the shoppe was STOCKED with the best versions of all mandatory safety features — even the ones that were hard to come by, and a lot were.

He found and installed a plastic partition at our cash wrap, an air purifier in the dressing room, and two, super swanky, automatic sanitizer stations – one at each entrance! He also made sure we had the 6 Feet Apart Signs for the floor, back-up boxes of disposable masks and as many Clorox wipes as he could find.

As a seasoned director at Camp Tanuga for over 30 years, safety is Cody’s wheelhouse, and he treated Sum Girls to the same amount of research and care he gives to camp.

Re-Opening our doors at the shoppe felt very natural. Maybe because I had been there a lot, prepping and getting it ready – but I still feel like most would agree coming back to Sum Girls was like seeing an old friend. Everyone was masked and 6 feet apart. Strict safety measures and cleaning regiments were implemented, but Private Appointments were in session and Sum Girls had LIFE once again!

Can’t wait to tell you the rest, but you have to come back for Part 2! Thank you for being here as I make my way back to writing. We are lucky to have you, and we hope you come back!

PEACE and LOVE! ✌️ 💜 Your Dim Sum and Doughnuts Family

When my daughter (aged 13) doesn’t particularly like the behavior of someone from the male persuasion, she often refers to that person as a “DICK’s Sporting Goods.” An example of this would be: “Ugh. I can’t believe he just said that, he’s such a DICK’s Sporting Goods!”

When I first met my friend, Mona, he was kind of a DICK’s Sporting Goods to me. But before I tell you about that, I first need to explain some other stuff.

I met Mona in the summer of 2002 at Camp Tanuga in northern Michigan. He was probably 27 years old at the time. I was 30 or 31 and had been “dating” my now husband, Cody, for a few weeks via phone and email. As one of the directors of Tanuga, Cody moved up north at the end of April and stayed all summer. Getting to know someone via phone/email is great, but it’s not real life, so we agreed if we were going to consider pursuing a real relationship, it was time for me to visit Camp.

It was my first time seeing Camp Tanuga and my first time seeing Cody in his element, doing his job, and around his people. Mona was one of his people.

Mona’s real name is Marc, but everyone called him Mona. I was familiar with gender ambiguous names, but “Mona” was a new one. When I asked, “Why do you guys call him Mona?” The answer was simply: “Because when he was a kid he looked exactly like his mom, and her name is Mona.”

I found Marc/Mona to be very intriguing. He was super relaxed, funny and quick-witted. He was well connected, well read and very confident. The confidence thing threw me because, in my experience, guys who possessed that kind of casual bravado usually backed it up with looks or money — and Mona didn’t care about either one.

Mona was working at Camp (as he did many summers) as the Camp Driver. He loved driving. If Mona wasn’t waiting tables at The Stage in West Bloomfield, MI or Canter’s Deli in LA, he was driving. He drove hundreds of campers on trips all over northern Michigan and beyond. He ran all camp errands and proclaimed his job title to be “Cody’s Bitch.” 

Whatever Cody needed, Mona got it, and it didn’t matter how far or how long it took, Mona didn’t mind, because he loved driving. He was a pro as long as someone else was in his care, but if he was alone, we never really knew what kind of condition the vehicle would be in when he returned. Over the years, Cody has started many conversations with a long sigh and “F**king Mona…” The two of them, though, they had a rhythm. They understood each other and Mona was always loyal to and respectful of Cody.

But that didn’t mean he had to like me: Cody’s newest girl, with my fancy luggage, and my fancy dog with his fancy, Burberry dog collar. So when I stepped out of my fancy car, that first time at Camp Tanuga, there was Mona, shaking his head like: “No way is she gonna make it the full weekend.”

That’s because Mona was Judgy McJudgerton from Judgytown — but he was wrong about me! I made it that weekend, and then another one a few weeks later, and then I just kept coming back. And though Mona was never outwardly mean to me, he certainly didn’t go out of his way to make me feel comfortable.

It bothered and humbled me that Mona wasn’t into me, (especially during those years because I was kind of cocky) but I understood. I was in a sorority. I know about loyalty and making others “earn it.” And since I had very little connections or ties to Camp, Mona made it clear forging a relationship with him wasn’t going to come easy.

I’m not exactly sure when Mona decided he liked me, but I do remember when he made his first gesture:

In March of 2003, Cody and I got engaged and we had three, maybe four engagement parties before the wedding. (It was crazy.) For one of the parties, we enlisted Mona to make a music mix since he had  admirable taste in music. He never went over the song list with us, and we didn’t think to ask.

It was all good until I started hearing the opening lines from the song Hey Lady by Obie Trice/Eminen. This song (a song that Mona actually introduced me to) though one of my favorites, could NOT have been more NOT appropriate for an engagement party. Swearing, the N word, gunshots – all of it –blasting through the speakers at the party venue. And not just once, three times during the night. I still remember standing with my arm linked through Mona’s, scared for Cody’s reaction when he started to really HEAR the lyrics:

“I’ll kill you, b**ch I’m f**king for real, I’ll make you suffer
Like I suffered, if you f**k me, then I’ll make you…”

Cody was not amused, but I knew Mona put that song on for me, and I was honored. That’s how Mona rolled though. No grand gestures; he showed his love in other ways.

He used to dog me repeatedly for requesting my water bottles at “room temp” and my sunscreen at 50, but he always made sure I had both.

During the summers that Mona couldn’t come to Tanuga and be the Camp Driver, he wouldn’t let me talk about how much I liked our new driver. As far as he was concerned, no matter how much I loved the new Camp Driver (and we have had some that I have truly loved), to Mona they were all “Seat Fillers” until he was able to come back.

He also wasn’t interested in material things or anything fake, including people. If he liked you, you knew it. If he didn’t, you felt it. He had stature and seniority, and he leaned into both. A nod from Mona was currency. Forget the “green pass,” if you had Mona, you had a different “in.” He had no money, but he had street cred — and if you’ve ever been around someone like that – someone who can get you “in the door” without having to rely on their wallet, you know how cool and rare that is.

Plus, whenever I felt like doing anything — especially something that wasn’t particularly “suburban,” I had Mona. From driving around looking for meth labs (don’t ask) to playing “Store” with my daughters, Mona never said “No” to me. He knew we were going to have fun — and I knew no matter what I wanted to do, he’d not only take me, but he would make sure nothing happened to me. Ever.

But Mona had me, too! Yes, I declined shaving his head when he bitched and whined about being “too hot,” but I had his back when he needed to wear something other than a Grateful Dead t-shirt or his brown, G-Unit hoodie. I was his moral compass and ethical boundary, and you better believe when he moved to LA, he continued to send me pictures of his bed made because he knew I’d be proud of him.

And I was. I was proud of Mona for so many things, and proud of the unlikely friendship we built. And now I am sad because he’s gone. I’m so sad.

I do a lot of walking and crying. It’s sucky. One of “our songs” will come on and I’ll want to text him, or some dummy will say “Rite Aids” or “Starbuck” and I’ll want to call him. I think of all the private jokes and adventures we shared and I feel sad because when we swore we’d take each other’s secrets to the grave, I didn’t think he’d be taking mine so early. What am I supposed to do now? How am I going to find another friend like Mona? 

Of course, I’m feeling sorry for myself. I know healing takes time. I know there will be a day when I think of Mona and smile instead of cry, but not today. Today I’m still sad.

If Mona were here I know he’d gently say “C’mon, Rob. You got this.” And he’d be right, because I do “got this,” and I do believe one day Mona will send me someone special to help fill the void. And while I’m sure this person won’t have a huge Star of David tattoo circling his elbow, or the same relaxed vibe that always made me feel safe, I’m still expecting him to send me one hell of a seat filler.

RIP Mona  We love you

Mona and Frankie in 2008, her first summer at Camp

His “made bed” — and you know I didn’t let him send the same pic more than once. 

Thank you for being here. We hope you’re doing OK. If you have SUMthing fun to say about Mona or Tanuga, or if you’d just like to check in with us, we’d love to hear from you! This pandemic blows.

XO,

The Dim Sum and Doughnuts crew

A few months ago, before the days of Coronavirus and homeschooling, my daughter, F, took the time to break down the different “groups” in her grade level at her school. F is in 7^th grade, almost 13 years old.

According to her, here’s how it goes:

The Popular Group
The Vice Popular Group
The Sub Popular Group
The Wanna-Bes
The Wanna-Be Wanna-Be’s
HER GROUP
The Weirdos
The Odd Squad.

If you don’t know my daughter, you might take offense to the names of some of these groups. But to know her means to know she has ZERO judgment in her assessment.

F has been exposed to a VERY diverse selection of people since the minute we adopted her. Between my friends, my husband’s friends and our friends together – forget about it – but on top of that, F has spent several months of each year living at an overnight camp in Northern Michigan. F loves people from all groups; she understands people and has ZERO judgment. She just calls it like she sees it.

What’s the name of your group?”I asked her.

“I dunno,” she shrugged. “We’re just whatever.”

“You’re like Live and Let Live?”

“I guess,” she said. “We just want to have fun and don’t really care.”

“You’re not interested in drama,” I said flatly.

“Right. No drama.”

“Or keeping up?” I asked.

“What’s ‘keeping up??’” she asked.

“Yeah…” I nodded slowly and knowingly. “I got you. You guys are the IDGAFS.” (Pronounced eye-dee-gafs.)

“What’s an EyeDeeGaf?” she asked.

I told her an EyeDeeGaf is basically a “Whatever”…like “Whatever…” (insert a shrug here) “You be you and I’ll be me.”

F agreed and I didn’t feel the need to discuss it any further. I was good with that group for her. In fact, I’m not surprised she ended up there. Eminem has been rapping about not giving a F*@% in the background of her life since her first days with us, so maybe it’s subconsciously tattooed on her brain.

Who knows?

I look at my girl and think she could probably get herself into any one of the groups she listed—from the Popular Group to the Odd Squad–because like with most things, if you really want in, you just have to do the work.

But there’s nothing better than being in a group where you feel comfortable, with no stress and no work required.

I just hope it stays that way.

You see, what’s so great about an Eyedeegaf is the drama is usually LOW and the fun/humor is high. But what can be not so great about an Eyedeegaf is they don’t always know when their actions might offend someone else.  In other words, just because they don’t give a F*@%, doesn’t mean others will feel the same.

And I know all about that.

Because of my Eyedeegaf-ness, I sometimes fail to consider how my actions might affect others.

F used to be even worse than me though! I know that’s hard to believe because she is so damn cute and innocent looking, and she can be very sweet–but if you REALLY know her, you know her.

She would do and say things with no remorse, usually pertaining to her sister, but a lot of times ME too! And when those things were brought to her attention, they just didn’t seem to faze her much. She was basically like: “Yeah…. I don’t really give a F*@#. Bummer that I got busted.” And though she didn’t say it, you knew it.

And that scared me.

In fact, those kinds of Eyedeegafs in general scare me: The ones who don’t understand there are times when you DO need to give a F*@#.

Like the people who toss their cigarette butts wherever they want, or the ones who speed in a residential area, or the ones who don’t pick up their dog’s POOP! (UGH!!!! You all SUUUUUUCK!!!)

And let us not forget my current favorite: The EyeDeeGafs who, while in the midst of a freaking PAN-DEM-IC, still feel it’s OK to come up way closer than the social distancing limit of 6 feet, and then get all up in my face as I’m trying to reach for a box of freaking pita chips!

HELLO?!?!?!?!?!?! Can you NOT?!? OMG! SCOOTCH BACK!!! 6 FEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!

I love that my daughter, upon turning thirteen years old, has found herself in a comfortable place. I want her to have fun and smile and not get caught up in drama and stupid stuff, but I also want her to understand there will be times  — no matter what group we identify with — when we all must care, we all must work together, and we all must give a F*%#.

Thank you for being here. We hope you are safe and healthy and we appreciate you hanging with us during this completely surreal time.

XOXO,

The Dim Sum & Doughnuts Crew

I hate that it took me a year to write this post. But I guess some years are like that. My last two were. I bit off more than I could chew professionally, so other things got the shaft. I’m sad the blog was one of them because it’s important to me. I like knowing my girls will have pieces like this they can refer to one day, should they ever be in need…

In no particular order, here we go, yo:

Don’t Be Stupid * Part 2

-THE LIST-

1. If you’re not sure, ASK. Find somebody who knows the deal and get your questions answered. Better to  just do it right the first time, than to have to start all over.

2. Be cool to EVERYONE. An enemy is not an enemy until he or she presents himself as such – to you. I don’t care about color, race or ethnicity, and I don’t care who else hates them. The enemy of someone else is not your business.

3. You don’t have to be the leader, just don’t be a follower. 

4. Know your audience. Not everyone has the same sense of humor, make sure to consider the end result before you start speaking. (This one I am continuously working on.)

5. Drive defensively. Go SLOW in parking lots. Respect neighborhood speed limits. Don’t let anyone pressure you when it’s bad out, and (as my dad used to say): “Don’t press the gas right when light turns green; someone else may be running the red.”

6. Ignoring a problem won’t make it go away, it just moves it. 

7. SUM people are not trustworthy. Just because a story is told one way, doesn’t mean it happened that way. If you find someone to be a liar / unreliable narrator, take everything they say as “entertainment” and try not to be alone with them.

8. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR DRINK UNATTENDED IN A PUBLIC PLACE. EVER. 

9. Tell the truth from the BEGINNING or have fun remembering all the lies before you eventually get busted anyway.

10. Don’t let ANYONE be mean to you. Mean people are just unhappy. No one who is happy is also mean. Sorry, they’re not. But life is hard, and sometimes people become mean as a result. Respond with sympathy, or call the mean person out–but either way, take care of it or they will keep coming for you. And you don’t want to live like that.

11. Drink Water.

12. Just because you get the last word does not mean you are right. 

13. Don’t bash another person or business to make you or yours look better. I can’t STAND when bad energy people come into our shoppe and trash another business. It’s so gross. One lady got so mad I was defending the business she was trashing that she left. #BYE

14.  Do your research. No matter what it is, do the research. It will never fully prepare you for the real thing (nothing ever does), but it sure helps.

15. If you’re going to pick a fight, make sure you can win. #MGK

16. There will usually be a BIG difference between how you thought it would be and how it is. Learn to adapt.

17. “If You Build It, They Will Come.” No. Unless you have a captive audience, a super desirable location, or a large and loyal customer base–you have to build it, promote the CRAP out of it, and then they will come.

18. Just because SUMone has a super sweet voice, doesn’t mean what they’re saying isn’t manipulative. Tricksters! Don’t forget to also listen to the words.

19. “You are what you eat!” I get it. I do. Sweet treats are way more delicious than healthy foods–at least to me they are, but I also try to eat healthy and I exercise! Not like I used to, but as much as I can. When I try to get my girls to see that balance of junk food, healthy food and exercise, they don’t care. They are happy being yuck mouths. One time I googled pictures of crystal meth addicts and told them: “THAT’S what you’re going to look like if all you eat is junk!” HAHAHAHA!!!! (They didn’t think it was funny.)

20. Don’t hit “SEND” on anything until you double check it’s being sent to the correct person. Your heart will thank you.

21. The piercing and tattoo thing. It would be obscenely hypocritical for me to tell ANYONE not to get a tattoo. I love tattoos. I have been getting them since I was 19. When I got my first, I got a real small one on my foot that could be easily covered just in case I decided to go into a profession that didn’t embrace body art. And in those days, most professions didn’t. These days…? I don’t know. So many people have tattoos! Like it’s no big deal. And, who knows? Maybe it’s not. But just in case a visible tattoo could hurt your chances of getting the job you want one day…it couldn’t hurt to wait or go small.

22. Change does not occur by bitching about a problem. Stand up, speak out, and BE part of the change. Or STFU.

23. The SUPER hard drugs. Don’t even bother. Just don’t. I love what Paul McCartney said to Howard Stern about telling his kids to pretend they had already tried the drug and it didn’t go well. I wish I had thought of that. I never had a good excuse. I just had to stay strong because I knew if I TRIED any of the really hard stuff, I’d like it. And who was going to pay for it? Not me! So I just never tried it. (But when I’m old, and things are pretty much over for me, I’m going to do hard drugs all day long. I’m going to do HARD drugs and smoke cigarettes and eat cake and cheeseburgers and burritos and binge watch Netflix and Prime ALL DAY LONG!)

24. Don’t expect a lot. From anything or anyone. That way you won’t be disappointed. People give what they can or what their capacity level allows.

25. Don’t try to make a hater like you. Haters are miserable biatches and anything you do, (especially if it’s something great) will only make them hate you more. BE YOU and trust me when I say, they are bitter sisters who don’t matter even a little. “Haters gonna hate, cuz they can’t relate, to your aweSUMness and what makes you great!” (I just made that up.)

26. Be aware of your surroundings. Look UP when you’re walking, not at your phone. So annoying! Especially in a parking lot! I’m not even kidding when I say that I hope you (not you) get HIT if you are so DUMB to be walking in a parking lot while looking at your phone.

27. People aren’t mind readers. If you have something to say, say it–but say it to the person you are upset with. Don’t slam cabinets or make weird, huffy noises under your breath. Don’t go bitching and recruiting others to back you, and don’t go venting on social media. Confront the person you have an issue with and 9 times out of 10 it can be easily resolved without all the extra drama.

28. Don’t walk alone at night. Or during the day. Or basically ever. But definitely not at night.

29. Get it in writing: When I got into the business world, that was one of the first things my mom (An OG girl boss) taught me. GET IT IN WRITING. A paper trail of some kind is important in case an issue comes up later. If an agreement is made over the phone, get a name and a date. Cover Yo A$$.

30. If he tells you he loves you so you’ll have sex with him, don’t–because he doesn’t.  

31. Don’t put anything on the internet you wouldn’t want EVERY PERSON IN THE WORLD knowing now or in the future. Your feelings may temporary, but screen shots are forever.

32. Know the difference between “there, their and they’re” and “too, two and to.” 

33. Be cool to old people. Your time will come and the road there starts earlier than you think. I’m not even 50 and I have CUSTOM orthotics for BOTH FEET! I knew my cousin and I shouldn’t have made so much fun of Aunt Florence’s orthopedic shoes…

34. Don’t brush too hard. Especially the gums. It makes the top of the tooth yellow and it sucks. My oldest who is 12 loves to point it out to me, “Mommy, your teeth are yellow over there.” Like I don’t already know. Thanks.

35. It’s not about having the MOST people, it’s about having the RIGHT people. 

36. Follow through on threats and commitments or lose your credibility.

37. Don’t, Don’t, DON’T text and drive. I don’t care how important or how hot he is. It can wait. Only selfish, a-hole, losers text and drive.

38. Shake hands for REAL. Get in there. Don’t shake like a wimp, because you’re not.

39. Find The Good. There’s good in even the suckiest of people. And sometimes we have to have sucky people in our lives. Find the good and concentrate on it. Of course, if someone in your life is so toxic that you truly can’t breathe, then yeah, they gotta go–but with most people, there’s some good there. Find it and lean into it.

40. Trust your gut. If you feel like something isn’t right, it isn’t. GTFO.

41. “Pay your bills every month, on time, in full.” My dad left me that little ditty on a post-it when I got my first credit card in college. He wanted me to take my credit rating seriously and start building credit early. And I did. And now I like to brag to my husband how lucky he is for marrying someone who rocks a BAD A$$ credit rating, yeah BOI!!!

42. Don’t depend on someone else for your happiness. Ew. That sh*t is up to you. Everyone else is just an enhancer.

43. Fake NO. When I was in my late 20’s, I got myself a fake Prada bag in NYC. I had just started in the business world and I was PUMPED to get clients with my NEW bag. And then I proudly showed my dad and he said: “It’s fake.” And I said “I KNOW it’s fake, but it looks so real!” And he said: “But it’s not real, it’s fake, and YOU know it’s fake.” 

(Plus, counterfeiting is linked to crimes like human trafficking, child labor and terrorism, so no fakes–unless it’s fur. And if someone tries to consign a fake bag at Sum Girls Boutique, I will throw up in it.)

44. Don’t try to reason with someone who isn’t reasonable. 

45. There’s Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now. Both are important, but vastly different.

46. Stay away from magnifying side of the mirror. Nothing good comes from that side.

47. Check your pockets before loaning, washing, donating, flying or consigning.

48. Pick friends based on how SMART and FUN they are. Friends that laugh with you, support you, show up for you, check on you, and make you feel GOOD about yourself–that’s what you’re looking for. Value the ones that are honest with you, and be honest with them. Appreciate the ones who live through stuff with you, and be there for them.

49. Learn from your mistakes. You will make lots of them, but they will help you grow into greatness.

50. Always check to make sure there is enough toilet paper BEFORE you start to go.

Be smart. Have fun.

Love you, Mommy

Photo Cred: Mike Moy

***********************************************************

Do you have SUM-thing you’d like to add? Feel free in the comments!

Thank you for being here and sticking with us after all this time! We are grateful. 

When you’re a parent, the early years with your kids are very controlled. What they eat, wear, believe—everything is pretty much controlled by you. And when they do things you aren’t into, you teach them out of it.

Like pooping in their pants. When they’re really little, pooping in the pants is OK but it gets old pretty quickly. Unfortunately, they don’t learn how to stop on their own so we have to teach them. And it’s not like you can blow it off after the first few times of them not getting it. No, my friend. REAL TIME goes into that kind of behavior until it ENDS.

As parents, we never stop teaching our kids stuff, but few things get the same kind of intense training as teaching your kid not to crap his pants.

Sure, we throw out brilliant words of wisdom and epic parental speeches about right and wrong —-but unless we’re able to see it all the way through like potty training, in the end all we can really do is hope for the best.

We hope they heard us and paid attention, but who knows?

For years, at Camp Tanuga and now at Sum Girls Boutique, kids will hang on my words and listen to me like I know what I’m talking about—but my own kids? No. I’m like Charlie Brown’s parent to them.

But what if you NEED them to listen to you? What if they NEED to understand something important? THEN what do you do? 

You repeat it. Whatever it is you feel they NEED to know, you repeat it.  A lot. And it annoys them. A lot.

My girls and I, we have fun together, like for real fun—but make no mistake—we aren’t friends. I have friends. I’m all set there. My daughters are my daughters.

My daughters are currently 9 and 11 and I still have trouble believing I have them. Being a “Mommy” has never been the most natural thing in the world for me, nor has it ever been my only goal, so I don’t do it full time. I have two other jobs as well, but I take my Mommy job seriously and part of that job is teaching my girls to be smart.

In the beginning it’s not that hard to make them see things your way. Even if they question and argue and complain, ultimately we have all the control.

But that doesn’t last.

Whether you’re home with your kids until the first day of kindergarten or they’re out the door early on for day-care, eventually you will have to relinquish control unto somebody else.

When this day comes, you will question yourself. You will pull over in the rain, eyes all welled up with tears, thinking of the kid (YOUR KID) you just left behind and you will torture yourself with whether or not it was the right thing to do.

But that’s really about us, not the kid. The kid is fine. You left her with people who are capable and great, and she is happy and comfortable and safe.

It’s really not until she gets older that it becomes about her. It’s when there’s a lack of supervision that things become tricky. I know what I was like, and if the stuff I did was stupid then (it was), it’s even STUPIDER now because it’s a way different world now!

We can’t get away with the same stuff we used to. There’s social media and the internet and smart phones now, which is a blessing (for us) and a curse (for them). With today’s technology we have way much more access to our kids, and they have way less excuses.

There were no tracking apps when we were kids. There were no apps at all! There were bad boys waiting, a mom who was sleeping, me quietly sneaking, and a car leaving. That’s what there was.

Kids now don’t have the luxury to be stupid as we were. Too much has changed.

Our kids have to be smarter.

The problem is, who the hell knows what they’re doing when we’re not around…? And if they do the wrong thing, whose fault is it? Is it ours for not doing enough as parents, or is it theirs for not paying attention?

Years ago, my older daughter, F, had a friend over and she decided about an hour early that the date was over. She retreated to the couch and left her friend in the playroom. Sorry! No. YOU wanted to have the kid over; you have to deal. Eventually (and reluctantly) F did the right thing and finished out the play date, but I know it’s only because I happened to be there and forced her.

Another time, JJ, (my younger one) had a friend over and they wanted no part of me, or the awesome snack I was offering so they blew me off completely and went directly to JJ’s bedroom. Obviously, I decided THAT was a good time to do laundry and as I grabbed a basket and approached JJ’s room, I heard her friend say: “…Yeah but you like Soenso better than you like me.“

I stood frozen. Do I cut in like I did with her sister all those years before, or do I let her take this one on her own and accept the fact that I can’t always be there to control the actions of my daughters?

Both of my girls will eventually find themselves in predicaments MUCH harder to navigate than those scenarios, but really, it’s all relative to their age, isn’t it? Teaching kids the fundamentals is exhausting because it’s a process that never ends. Potty training sucked A LOT, but that got wrapped up.

With parenting though, not everything always gets wrapped up.

Getting your kids to understand the importance of things works best when they’re little because as they get older, they less they listen. Plus, when they’re little, their actions don’t really have horrible, real life repercussions:

Like, my girls know if they lie to me and I bust them, I will be picking out their school outfits for as many days fit the crime. Whatever I pick, they HAVE to wear it, to school. Even fairy wings.

At 9 and 11 years old, they think that is the worst punishment EVER! But they need to understand punishments don’t get BETTER as you get older.

I know this because I still do dumb stuff and I have to suffer the consequences. I’d say I probably do at least one fairly dumb thing a day, maybe five. We opened Sum Girls Boutique about 10 months ago and between that and my other business I have been working a STUPID amount of hours, but you know I still manage to find time to stir up SUM sh*t.

Over the years though, I have gotten better about being less stupid. I get a long leash from my friends who know me best and my husband. He’s been with me over 15 years. He knows who he married.

I can’t worry that my kids are going to do stupid stuff because they will, and also there’s no percentage in worrying. Worrying won’t do anything to change anything, so I choose not to worry. Of course there are times when I feel anxious, because that’s a normal part of being a parent, but that’s not the same as worrying. I choose not to worry.

Instead, I choose to make up a LIST of all the things I want my girls to be smart about as they grow into productive, kind, contributing women in our society.

And I hope you come back soon for Part 2 of Don’t Be Stupid: THE LIST

Thanks for being here and sticking with Dim Sum and Doughnuts. I know it’s been a long time since I have written anything for the girls’ blog. We all appreciate so much that you’re here.

F graduating from 5th Grade

JJ being JJ

]]> https://www.dimsumanddoughnuts.com/dont-be-stupid/feed/ 7 6170 https://www.dimsumanddoughnuts.com/whose-kid/ https://www.dimsumanddoughnuts.com/whose-kid/#comments Sat, 17 Mar 2018 01:13:51 +0000 http://www.dimsumanddoughnuts.com/?p=6113

It’s been a little over a month since the Feb 14, 2018 shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. Fourteen students and three teachers were killed making it one of the world’s deadliest school shootings. Nikolas Jacob Cruz (19 years old) was charged with 17 counts of premeditated murder. 

I don’t want to report more than that because, admittedly, I don’t know much more. I’ve been completely and totally underwater since the end of October. We opened a new business, a family business, and I have found it’s a lot like having a new baby—and if you’re starting a new business while gutting and renovating the space, well, that’s like having a new baby and moving all at once!

And that’s just crazy.

But that’s what we did. So, I’m a little behind on pretty much everything and everyone. And when it comes to the shooting in Parkland, Florida, I admit I don’t know everything, but I know enough.

The shooter was a depressed 19-year-old kid. He suffered the loss of both of his parents, he had been bullied, he was mentally unstable.

We get the WHY. His background is sad and horrible. All those things that happened to him, the things he had to go through? Horrible. But that is a separate discussion. 

School is a place where kids and faculty are supposed to feel safe and secure, not where they go to die. 

The gun Nikolas Cruz used to hunt kids in his own school was an AR-15 semi-automatic style weapon. This is not the first time a deadly military-inspired rifle has been the weapon of choice for a school shooting. In fact, that was the same type of gun was one of the three used in the 2012 shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut.

How did it become more important to protect the Second Amendment than our own kids? Innocent people are losing their lives, families are broken, everyone is scared, and for what?

The Second Amendment doesn’t define WHAT KIND OF ARMS people have the right to have. It simply states: “A well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.”

Well, WTF is that???

That’s not relevant to the times we live in NOW. I have to believe if our founding fathers knew what was happening in our schools and malls and theaters, they’d re-think the wording on that one.

Is “Self Defense” your defense? You’re telling me you need a military-inspired gun for self defense? I think NOT. You have to have a HELLUVA LOT of enemies who all want to kill you AT THE SAME TIME for you need to need an automatic assault weapon like that to defend yourself.

You also don’t need an assault weapon to go hunting, and if you do you’re literally the worst hunter of all time.

I understand the gun-running business is lucrative. (I am the biggest Miami Vice fan and have seen EVERY episode from the first 3 seasons, so I know.) And I know that the legislators are intimidated (and possibly bought off….?) by the NRA, but how many more times are we going to go through the same cycle? How many deaths does it take?

Whose kid does it have to be to matter?? 

There have been some changes though:

Some of corporate America has been bad-ass about ending special discounts for NRA members. Others have voluntarily announced they’re raising the age for certain guns, and some have even resolved to stop selling assault-style weapons all together!

Students all over are becoming more vocal about protesting gun violence in the US and the #NeverAgain movement is all over reforming background checks and bans on assault weapons. Fred Guttenberg, who lost his daughter, Jamie, in the Parkland, FL shooting has devoted himself to “breaking the gun lobby.” He knows a full-on ban on assault weapons is probably unrealistic, so his priorities are to raise the age to buy guns, add a waiting period before gun sales, and ensure a legit background check for gun sales without all the bullsh*t loopholes.

Still, there’s a large amount of national politicians who won’t stand up, and there are many gun manufacturers and companies that won’t either.

So, we need to. We need to make some noise. Because even though these assault weapon tragedies haven’t affected us directly, that doesn’t mean they can’t. Or won’t.

This is me making noise. 

And if this little post from this little blog inspires one sharp 20SUM-thing with ambition, or one retired person looking to still be productive and relevant, or one mom who knows it could happen anytime at her own kid’s school…WHOEVER it might be, to do something—something to keep the conversation going—well, that means I did something too.

https://momsdemandaction.org

https://everytown.org

#DoSumThing #DimSumAndDoughnuts #NeverForget #NeverAgain      

Thank you for being a part of this. We appreciate it so much.

PS. Totally off topic, but still important:

Happy “Gotcha Day” to our Daughter

(The Asian Persuasion Chinese Princess we adopted 10 years ago today in 2008)

The thing about nagging is it’s not by choice.

No one wakes up hoping for a hectic morning of things not being where they are supposed to be. No one wants to get into it with their kids (repeatedly) about taking their underwear OUT OF THEIR PANTS before throwing them in the laundry bin. And no one is sitting around praying for their precious loved ones to line the wall outside of the laundry room with way too many boots and shoes so every time we go near the entrance we freaking TRIP!

No.

We don’t.

We want things to go smoothly so we lay out rules, rules that make sense. And since we wouldn’t need all these rules if it weren’t for the other people living in our house, we expect those people to abide.

But do they??

Sure, at first, everyone always seems to get it: Three pairs of boots and shoes EACH by the laundry room wall makes sense. Turning off lights in rooms we AREN’T USING makes sense. Coming into breakfast with your school stuff ALREADY IN YOUR BAG AND READY TO GO so you’re not scrambling last minute to make the bus on time makes sense.

But only for a little while.

It’s only a matter of time before backslide sets in and we’re right back where we were.

So what do we do? Do we stay strong and nag our kids to do what they’re supposed to do, or do we just cave to their world?

In their world, no one cares. They don’t care how annoying or dangerous or costly or stupid anything is. In their world, the narrator is a unicorn and everyone lives on a puffy rainbow full of candy and money. In that world, how could anyone bothered with the 30 extra seconds it takes to pick up a jacket that has fallen on the floor? Who has time for putting clothes away when there is a YouTube video about Mimi’s magical friends just waiting to be seen?!?!

Listen, I get it. Who wouldn’t want to watch that? But life is all about business before pleasure, and eventually they’re going to have to get down to business.

My kids despise chores and homework. (And pretty much anything involving hygiene.) They’re not into these things because they’re not FUN so when they’re told “it’s time” for those things to happen, they whine and bitch and stomp and complain. Sometimes they will pick just one of those emotions, but sometimes (Hooray, hooray!) it’s a hot mix of all of them.

But life is all about doing things we don’t always want to do. They need to know that. We can’t give in to their ridiculousness and drama because if we do, they’ll never learn.

Plus, who cares what THEY want? They need to do what WE want. But making them do what we want means teaching them and reminding them and NAGGING THEM because if we don’t, they CERTAINLY aren’t going to do any of it on their own.

At least my kids won’t. I’ve got Scamarella 1 and II over here. (II thinks we don’t know, but we do.) My kids need to be reminded of pretty much EVERYTHING they need to do on a daily basis. It’s baffling.

Checklists help. Checklists cut down on a lot of fighting and arguing because there’s “ownership” in checklists. But checklists need to be changed up frequently or they lose their lure, and that’s when things go south, and the nagging sets in.

And guess who gets blamed when the story gets re-told….?

Exactly.

Like it’s my fault–I’m the bad guy. I hope they NEVER do what they’re supposed to do so I can lose my mind. RIGHT!! They’re the ones who make me frustrated and angry, yet they’re also the ones complaining about how I was yelling.

First of all: I wasn’t yelling. I was using a DIFFERENT TONE and just because they don’t like the tone I use when I’m angry doesn’t mean it’s yelling. YOU’LL KNOW WHEN I’M YELLING!!!!!

And second: I wouldn’t have to “YELL” (it’s not yelling) if they would just do the things they’re supposed to do!

But they aren’t interested in that.

They don’t care that I’ve told them 20 million times to STOP leaving their CRAP on the side table in the kitchen. Of course my crap is there too, but it’s my crap—and my crap is different (and better) than their crap. Also, it’s my house.

This has all been explained to them, more than once—and they always seem to understand—but still, they leave their crap.

So I started throwing it out.

The broken hair ties, the random plastic shoe, the top of a plastic hanger they claim is “special to them”—BYE!! I toss with PLEASURE. But the pleasure doesn’t last because my kids never feel it. They never come home and ask what became of their super “special” stuff.

You know why?

Because it’s CRAP.

“Can you just put your stuff away? Can you JUST throw it away??? CAN YOU JUST???????????”

I tripped over one of their boots for the LAST TIME the other day before I threw every pair into the sink in the laundry room. I wanted to throw them all out but that would only screw me since I’m the one who bought them, so I decided to just get them out of my way.

I thought the sink would be a good place because I wouldn’t trip over them anymore, and also it would make their life harder because they’d have to sift through a tangled mess every time they needed a pair.

But they didn’t care. They left them in the sink for days and just worked around the pairs they didn’t need.

Because they are kids and that’s what they do.

So we have to nag. Because we are parents.

And that’s what we do.

Thanks for being here!

The Dim Sum & Doughnuts Crew

An announcement filled with bad news is the quickest way to elicit unconditional support from the people around you. Oddly enough, the same is not always true when it comes to good news. That’s because “good” news is open to interpretation. Sometimes good news is good for you, but not everyone around you.

It’s very natural for others to consider how your “good” news is going to affect them, even when it’s not about them. I have found though, the longer you’ve known the person, the less surprised you will be by their reaction.

Still, there’s almost always a wild card.

When we announced, so many years ago, that we were adopting a baby from China, I didn’t think there’d be anyone in our circle who would have anything negative to say, but I was wrong.

And not only was I wrong, I was ill prepared! That was my own fault though. It wasn’t like I hadn’t read about adoption and people who said unsupportive things—I just never thought it would happen to us, especially with a person I thought would be excited.

It was dirt on my shoulder so I brushed it off.

But what if I hadn’t? What if I had caved to her doubts? 

If I had caved, I wouldn’t have my oldest daughter.

It takes a minute to get over that kind of thing; to get over a negative reaction to something so positive. Time heals, yes, but a quicker fix is learning what to ignore and what to consider.

Writing blogs like Fu-Lan Mania and Dim Sum and Doughnuts has given me armour because negative feedback is such a big part of the writing process. I have been putting myself out there for so many years, at this point I pretty much know everything negative anyone has to say against me.

But who cares??

If I cared, I certainly wouldn’t be putting my mistakes and lessons learned on the freaking INTERNET.

The people rolling their eyes and talking sh*t about me, I bet you’d be hard pressed to find even one of them doing anything so much greater than what I’m trying to do.

How do I know that?

Because if they were doing something so great, they wouldn’t be ripping me.

Truly happy people are happy for others. Period.

The ones who aren’t happy for you? Aren’t supporting you? They’re not your people. They don’t care for you, and if you really think about it, I bet you don’t much care for them either.

But when someone has feedback that comes from a place of love, that’s something to consider.

Feedback that comes from a place of love is something you need to grow.
Feedback that comes from a place of bitterness is something that needs to GO.

(That rhymed.)

Every time you put yourself out there, no matter WHAT it is, you’re going to elicit some kind of response. There will be supporters and cheerleaders and there will be eye rollers and haters.

That’s just how it goes when you make waves. You’re upsetting the normality of things. Not everyone is going to get on board with that, and not everyone is going to want to be a part of it.

But so what?

If what you’re trying to do, or are doing, is going to make a positive change in your life or someone else’s, no way are you going to let another person’s negativity hold you back.

NO.

But what do you do when you’re confronted with a negative to your positive?

You block it out.

Positive changes should ONLY be met with support and excitement. The rest is just noise. Block it out.

And if the opposite occurs and someone you thought would be happy or supportive is choosing instead to be silent and unsupportive, block that out too. Any kind of negative response, vocal or silent, is likely not even about you—it’s likely about them and their own insecurities and issues.

But your job is not to figure out all of that crap. Your job is to surround yourself with the BEST people and get sh*t done.

I think about some of my people, and all the different things they have been through, and I’m proud of the times I was along for their ride. I’m honored to have been there for so many great things, and also some horribly hard things.

Our family just recently completely gutted and re-did a space in downtown Berkley, MI so we could open a little Dim Sum & Doughnuts spin-off shoppe called “Sum Girls Boutique.” I can’t imagine doing any of it without the support and love of our people. It was like our adoption all over again; ups and downs…and some of the downs were REALLY down. It was a rollercoaster of emotions and change, but the people who love us helped us get through the madness and uncertainty.

Change is scary, even for those who aren’t scared of much. But it’s also very exciting, and anything exciting is much better when shared with people–not the MOST people, the RIGHT people.

So if you’re ready to start SUM-thing new, SUM-thing different, SUM-thing positive—do it. Block out the noise and DO IT. You will find the good ones will jump on for the ride. The right ones will surface and they WILL find you…they always do.

Thank you for being a part of our ride!

The Dim Sum & Doughnuts Crew

#SumGirlsBoutique #FamilyBusiness #FamilyAdventure #LetsDoSUMthingGreat

You know, it’s funny. After all the summers I spent living at Camp Tanuga, I never really paid attention to the differences between boys and girls until my visits this summer. I think it’s because when I was living at camp I was immersed in it–but now I’m back to being just a visitor so I’m able to see things with fresh eyes. 

For example: The Boys. I have always loved hanging with boys, at camp and in general. I don’t have boys; I have girls (8 and 10 years old) so the boys at camp fill a need. Plus, boys are pretty easy, they don’t want much. They mostly tell me when they’re leaving for their trip or they’re bragging/complaining about all of their various injuries. Some boys are legitimately hurt from taking a chance they probably shouldn’t have, and some are more “Fake-It-Til-You-Break-It— but either way, the vibe on the Boys’ Side is usually pretty steady, and totally different, from the vibe on the Girls’ Side.

Because girls are a whole different story.

For sure there are always a few girls with something that “hurts,” especially the younger ones. It’s not always so easy to be away from home, and little “Hurts” will get you a little extra attention. But still, my own kids pulled that lever a few times this summer and they have no business looking for any extra attention as their daddy is at camp full time (he’s one of the directors), and mommy still makes occasional visits.

But then I feel bad getting annoyed with them because I should know better. I lived at camp for enough years to know how hard it is not to get caught up in the culture

Camp is a different world. The pictures we see on social media, the letters we receive—they are a short glimpse into a long day—a day filled with one million zillion different moods and emotions.

The reality is, unless you are at camp—truly living it—you really have no idea what is going on.

And you shouldn’t.

It’s not our place to know what’s happening at camp. That’s part of the magic. Trying to make camp life our business is like trying to figure out what’s going on in the Oval Office. We never will because we’re not supposed to.

Which is fine until we see a photo or get a letter that leaves us concerned.

The letters I got this summer were pretty much as follows: JJ (my 8 year old) wrote that she was having the best time, she loved the trapeze, and was excited to come home and work in the new boutique we are opening. F (the 10 year old) basically just sent requests. Her letters threw out a little love, but the love she sent was mostly padding for the list of items she forgot and/or wanted sent up.

I was fine with my letters so I never really felt the need to check on my kids. Plus, I’m dialed in enough. Half the time my husband would go to give me info and I wasn’t interested. I already know the older one is a P-I-T-A (pain in the ass) and I’m well aware the younger one will ONLY wear boots all the time, even if the zipper is broken. I’m not new. I spend plenty of time with them, much of it while my husband is away. I earned my time off. They are CAMP’s problem now!!!

But what’s so great about overnight camp is that while your kid is off growing and learning and making memories and friends, you get to do your thing without worry because (and I think I speak for all overnight camps when I say this) if there was a REAL problem at camp, you would get a call. If you’re not getting a call, you can feel good about what is happening there—even if the picture you saw or the letter you’re holding says something different.

When it comes to girls, the letters they send and the stories they tell don’t always reflect the full story. They reflect their version.

The last time I was up at camp, when I was leaving to head back home, my youngest daughter and a group of other little girl campers cut me off. They marched up to me, hands on hips like they were the freakin’ Pink Ladies and I could feel some serious D R A M A about to unfold.

Me: Hi guys! I’m leaving!

JJ (my 8 year old daughter): Um, Mommy…we HAVE to talk to you. “Soenso” is being REALLY mean to all of us. (cue mini hair flip)

Me: Who?? Soenso?? I love that kid. I’m sure you’re overreacting.

All of them at once: No, she’s REALLY MEAN!!! Do you WANT TO KNOW what she DID!?!? (No) She did this and that and SHE’S SO MEAN!!

JJ: Yeah!! And MOMMY…she was also really mean to F! (Her sister/my other daughter, 10 years old) She kept calling her FU-LAN saying that’s her REAL name.

Me: OK, well, FU-LAN is her real name. It’s her Chinese name, your sister is adopted from China.

JJ: I know, but MOM….

Me: What is this?? Are you all for REAL right now? Is this happening? This is the dumbest conversation I have ever had. I’m out. Love you guys. Have fun at camp!

The whole thing was so dumb. Of course, it helped I had just seen F about 5 minutes before and she didn’t even mention the incident. But even after I told JJ and the rest of the Pink Ladies how dumb their drama was, they still huffed off looking to find someone who would sympathize with their discontent.

If all this had gone down over rest hour, I can’t even imagine the letters that would have gone home. All those girls…so heated…in the moment. The letters could have gotten ugly, and something for a parent to be concerned about.

That’s when we need to remember we’re only getting part of a story from a world we’re not even a little bit a part of.

As adults, most of us don’t live in a camp-like setting so if we sense any kind of time-wasting drama, we’re able to make a clean break. But it’s different at camp.

It’s hard to get away from anything at camp and close quarters breed drama, especially with girls. But they’re growing up. They’re learning boundaries, figuring out what they can and can’t get away with. Testing who they can and can’t pull in.

They want a response to their drama. I get that. I just don’t think every drama episode requires equally dramatic engagement. If something truly isn’t right, by all means get in there. But if it’s something truly not that major and isolated to that particular time and place, they can probably (and should) figure it out for themselves. Most of the time girls are just looking for something, anything, to be dramatic about. Don’t get too concerned and definitely don’t try to understand it.

It’s just part of being a girl.

Thanks for being here!

The DS&D Crew