Last night, my husband, Cody, told me that I was “old news.” He says what he meant was that Dim Sum and Doughnuts, was “old news,” not me.
If that is, indeed, what he meant, I guess he’s kind of right. I did end Dim Sum & Doughnuts and I did stop writing for awhile. But I don’t want Dim Sum and Doughnuts to be old news. It’s just seemed like the right time to end it. My dog died.
That messes you up. It really does. I don’t understand why dogs are so underrated.
And the thing is, when your dog dies, the hurt is just the same as when a person dies (sometimes worse), but the mourning period is very different. When your dog dies, you’re allowed to be sad, but not for too long because then you’re just that weird girl who is still not over her dead dog. But if a person dies, have at it. You can be messed up for years and when people speak of you, they will sadly shake their heads, look at each other knowingly and say…”Well, you know, when Soenso died, it really messed her up.” So, not only are you not weird, but you also can get away with pretty much ANYTHING.
Tell me I’m wrong.
Of course, when your dog dies, your friends call and people post stuff on your Facebook wall, heck, you might even get flowers! (I didn’t)—but there is no “Wake” or “Shiva” for you and your dog.
There should be though.
I don’t know how it is in your religion, but in mine, people come from OUT OF THE WOODWORK to send crazy amounts of food and shiva trays when someone dies. It’s all about the shiva tray. Nut Trays, Cookie Trays, Pastry Trays…”OMG, did you hear? Freida Bergenstein died. That is so sad, but she was like 1000 so you know, it happens. We should do something. What do you want to do? Should we send a tray? We should definitely send a tray.” It is, honestly, one of my most favorite parts of being Jewish. The shiva food.
Shiva calls (that’s when you go and pay your respects) are almost always held at someone’s house (usually the home of the people who are sitting shiva). Sometimes you can skip the funeral and only make a shiva call. Other times you can skip the shiva call and only go the funeral. But if it’s someone you are close to, you’re doing both.
Shiva calls aren’t always fun, after all, someone has died so the bass ain’t gonna be bumpin’, but if you have to make a shiva call, chances are—there will be a good spread.
[Sidenote: See those Jordan almonds? I used to love Jordan almonds. When I was a kid I shoved a blue one as far as I could up my nose. My dad had to stop mowing the lawn to deal with it. I had to go to the hospital. It’s out now though.]
And those trays, those aren’t just for the family of the deceased, they are for anyone who comes over! The actual family, they get more. Full-on dinners are brought in for 7 nights. That’s a lot of good dinners! It’s usually Deli food one night, Middle Eastern food one night, Greek one night, Italian one night, someone makes a casserole, I don’t know— but it is a ridiculous amount of pain-easing food and it’s all FREE! I mean, someone died for those dinners, but still.
The thing with death is that it’s hardest on the ones who are left living. My dog, Floyd Coden? He’s fine. He’s up in doggie heaven dumpster diving and chasing bitches (literally). The rest of us, even after all this time, are still hurting. Frankie, my 6 year old, can’t even listen to that song “Let Her Go” by Passenger because it reminds her of him: “Mommy…you KNOW I can’t listen to this song…”
In a way, it worked out because it gave me the opportunity to explain how music can bring back good memories, but it can also bring back painful ones. But also, it’s kind of rough because I like that song and every time it comes on, she ruins it with her DRAMA.
But she’s hurting, just like the rest of us, so I have to be nice. I’m hurting too, but every once in awhile I’d like to hear that song. Life does go on—even after a loss.
I told Cody that if something ever happens to me, he isn’t allowed to remarry for two years. TWO YEARS. One night we ran into a Rabbi from our area (actually, I think it was at a shiva call) and we were talking about death (wow, this is really turning into quite the “feel-good” post) and I told the Rabbi that if something happens to me, Cody is not allowed to get married for two years. The Rabbi got all Rabbi-ish with me…“Now, Robyn…don’t you want Cody to be happy? What if he meets someone that makes him happy, don’t you think two years is— “ but I cut him right off: “TWO YEARS, RABBI!!! NON-NEGOTIABLE!”
These guys who get married really soon after their wife dies, I don’t get that. I mean, I get it, yes—it’s not easy to be alone, especially when you’re older, but… it also seems borderline disrespectful in a way…? Your wife gave you all those years and you found someone after 3 months? What does that say about how you felt about your wife? Or you? TWO YEARS, CODY!!
We all grieve differently though—I’m learning that. We never get over the loss, we just learn to accommodate it.
I had a blog out before Dim Sum and Doughnuts called FuLan-Mania: A blog of Chinese Adoption and Clueless Parenting. I loved that blog. When Jimmy, my step-father, died I lost my mojo for FuLan-Mania. Jimmy was my biggest fan and he was a big part of why I wrote it. When Floyd Coden died, it seemed like the right time to end Dim Sum and Doughnuts because he was a big part of it.
But what I really needed was some time.
I guess this is just Dim Sum and Doughnuts, Part 2.
Cody’s going to say that he never called me “old news.” He’ll say that he was talking about Dim Sum and Doughnuts, not me. And maybe he was—but Dim Sum and Doughnuts is me. I worked really hard on it, I’m proud of it, and I’m going to continue with it. I just hope everyone comes back and, also, it would be nice if no one else dies.
But if they do, I’ll be at the shiva to pay my respects. I’ll take a pass on the Jordan almonds though.
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Thank you for being here!
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Twitter: RobynCoden
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I’ve missed your posts, so I’m glad you’re back. Dog passings are really hard — been there, done that — but as you’re finding out, life does go on, and it seems like there’s folks out there that want to read about yours.
Back when we were living in Costa Rica, we had this incredible dog, only about 4 years old, who just up-and-died one day. Totally trashed us out, took a long time to “get over.” I understand! Other dog critter-family losses have also been hard, but somehow the total unexpectedness of that one hit us.
Anyway, get back to writing. There are people who are glad to read.
Thank you so much, Arden. It is good to be back!! It’s good for me to write and get things out, you know? That is crazy (and horrible) about your dog. WTH? 4 years old? That is just wrong. Really wrong. I am sorry and you know, YOU KNOW, I get it. XOXO
I too missed you. I do truly understand how hard it is to lose a family member, and I don’t care what non-animal people say, animals ARE our family members. We lost sweet Max almost two years ago, and some days, if feels like it just happened. I’m glad you are back, ease back into it or jump right in – whatever feels right for you. We, will be here. Waiting, with baited breath!
Oh, you’re so good to me, Kiy!! Thank you!! It is true what you say, some days it feels like it just happened. Some days, when I hear keys jiggling or something, it’s like he’s still here. That is the weirdest. Thank you so much for your sweet words. Means so much to me…
really liked this robyn…hope you guys are good.
Love
Jacob V
How cool are you, Jacob V??? Thank you!! Miss you and hope you are well. I’m going to have to make your mom read “White People Problems” (Part 2) because she is in it! XOXOXO
you just do you.thats all.whatever feels right.if you ever want sweet lil louie for a few hours lemme know!xoxoxo
Thank you, Katie! That sweet lil Louie, he just sounds sweet. How can you have a name like Louie and not be sweet, right? I’m so happy to have you back as a reader. You know you’re one of my faves. FOREVER!!! Thank you!! It’s so crazy to me how people connect over this blog. I LOVE IT!!! (Like I love Bendel, and I know you do too, sister!)
Don’t care what the blog is called, just wanna keep up with the Codens. And now I will spend the rest of the day fantasizing about shiva food; that’s kinda effed up and I blame you! xo
I like how you spell “effed” up. I don’t do it like that. I wonder if I should? I do it like “f’d up” but your way is so cool. The fact that you’re not having some 7 layer cake and lox right now is effed up. But eating 7 layer cake and lox at the same time would also be effed up (and gross). The fact that we’re not eating it together is even more effed up. I wish we were…
Glad you’re back! You are hysterically open and insightful….. and willing to say what others will only think. ; ) Think of a hubby wanting to remarry in less than 2 years as a statement of what a wonderful role model and example you set for married life…..one that can’t be survived without. Then it’s a SOLID testimonial to your wifeliness and not a sign of disrespect! Trust me, you are IRREPLACABLE!!!!!!
DB-This could be one of the nicest comments ever! Thank you!! I’m totally telling Cody that he has to wait 5 years. And also, I’m making my mom read it because even though she says she likes that I always speak my mind, I know secretly she wishes I would just SHUT UP. I’m so happy to have you as a reader. That means so much to me, for so many reasons. Thank you so, so much for taking the time. And what you said? Amazing. I have read it over 4 times now. No joke. Thank you!!!
So sorry about the pup! When I lost mine over 11 years ago I thought I wouldn’t survive. I get it. I would bring you a shiva platter.
I would love a shiva platter. Not one of those fruit ones though. Can we get one with little cakes and stuff? Like mini 7 layer cakes and those little eclairs? You know that’s where it’s at!! 🙂 Thank you so much for your comment and thank you for “getting” it. Not everyone does but you do, so thank you. Thank you so much. 🙂
Good to see you’re back at it, kid.
I was just thinking about you last night as I was stuffing my face full of carrot cake. It wasn’t nearly as good as the stuff you got me and I wasn’t laughing/crying at the same time begging you to STOP TALKING so I wouldn’t choke. And it wasn’t raining. Miss you.
Love the posts and that you are back! I am forwarding this to all my non-jewish friends when I try to explain Jewish stuff to them. They think I’m crazy. Now, you’ll just be crazy with me!!!
Will they think you are crazy, or will they think you are GENIUS to be Jewish because of all the great food we get?? (Do you think it’s funny that I had to look up how to spell genius? Like I’m obviously NOT a genius because I can’t even spell it. It’s not such an easy word to spell. I kept wanting to put an “o” in there but there’s no “o”). Thank you so much for liking the post. I would like to be crazy with you all day, every day.
I’m so glad you’re writing again, I’ve always liked your posts!
Thank you so much!! That makes me so happy since my kids can’t read them yet. At least I have someone to make me feel like what I’m doing is not a total waste of time. Thank you so much!