Last weekend, my brother-in-law got married to an amazing girl. In her wedding speech, she said that she never uses the word “hate.” I loved that. When I was a kid, my dad never let us say “hate” either—he’d always say “Hate’s a pretty strong word,“ so it made us realize that we didn’t really “hate,“ we just “couldn’t stand.”
But now, many years later, I say “hate.” I kind of say it a lot, but it’s not my fault. It’s all the bad drivers out there. They are the ones who are making me say it—and these are the 6 who are making me say it the most:
1. The driver that “hangs out” in my blind spot. I hate you. I’m happily driving on the highway with my car on cruise control and then you come, land in my blind spot, and decide to stay there—so now we are neck and neck, basically, until someone brakes— and because of YOU that someone is me because now I’m stuck behind a car, and if I don’t brake I will end up in his trunk. Normally, I would just move to the passing lane but I can’t because YOU’RE THERE. You suck. Learn how to drive.
2. The driver who pulls out in front of me. I’m cruising at a nice, steady 45 mph, and some dummy decides that he’d like to pull out and go like 32 mph. WTF? There was no one in back of me!! You couldn’t have waited??
3. The driver who goes too fast in neighborhoods. There are kids and dogs all over the place, slow your roll, pal. One time I was going too fast in a neighborhood and some old lady who was walking her dog held her hand up so I would slow down. I was all “Take it easy, lady” but really, she was right. It totally embarrassed me so now I not only watch my speed but I also do the “Old Lady Hand Thing” to everyone. It works. Total power trip. Oh and also, the “Stop” signs in neighborhoods are not a suggestion, they’re for real, so STOP. Losers.
4. The unnecessarily slow driver. I am behind this driver a lot. It’s frustrating so I instinctively do the “WTF” hand lift and roll my eyes, but as soon as I change lanes and see the driver, I feel bad because it’s a grandpa with white hair under a “Mad Men” hat, and he’s like 90. I mean, what am I gonna do? He’s OLD. It’s OK, Pompano. Take your time. Just get the “F” out of my lane. (Just kidding, he’s old. That’s not nice.)
5. The driver who takes up 2 spaces when he parks. Sometimes it’s because the person next to him parked all bad so then he got stuck parking all bad, but for the most part, he‘s just an idiot. My girlfriend “Julia” and I used to put notes on cars like that. They said: “I HOPE YOU DON’T F**K LIKE YOU PARK” (except we spelled out the “F” word out for real). Those notes got to be a pain though so THANKFULLY my friend J. Chris Newberg (he’s a comedian, I’m totally name dropping) had little 3 x 4 sticky pads made that said “I’m sure you’re a very nice person but you park like an A-Hole“ and I took about 20 of them. I have found those to be really helpful.
6. The driver who texts while driving. OH YEAH. That’s a BIGGIE. Probably the biggest. Texting While Driving. Whenever I see people doing that, I don’t ignore it. Oh no, son. I get IN THEIR FACES (even though we’re in different cars) and I go OFF. I make “the mean, mad mommy face” and point my finger and make sure they know that texting while driving is NOT COOL. They either get all embarrassed or they try to ignore me but either way, they’re busted, and they know it. And then, when they drive away I crack up because it must look pretty hilarious when some random lady in the car next to you is going nuts.
So yeah, if you could stop doing all that, or tell others to stop, that’d be awesome. —Especially the last one.
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Yep completely agree!!! And as for the hate, all I keep thinking about is the shirt i got bmb which idea originated because he always says that while driving!! Lol
I was thinking of making a sign to hold up while driving that simply says YOU SUCK. I wonder how that will go over… 🙂
You know I am dying right now….DYING! I totally remember those notes! We were obnoxious. But those drivers suck. Bad. Now, ARPP is the worst parker. The. Absolute. Worst. When he parks, I get out and become embarrassed. Yes, it’s that bad. For realz. And he will sometimes be the blindspot driver. Yeah, he is not a good driver.
And I would prefer you use the quotes around my name. Hee hee….
Love you! Great post!
What do you mean, we “were” obnoxious? I still leave the notes!
Um. I’m totally going to borrow “I hope you don’t f**k like you park” and use that in the future.
It’s all yours! Do it up!! Can you imagine coming back to your car with that on your windshield? Hilarious!!!
I get my yayas out yelling in my car at idiot drivers. I’m a bit agressive perhaps, but these folks make me mental. Glad they can’t hear me. And mostly I do this when the kids are not with me. (grin)
I really like your use of the word “yayas” so I hope you come back. You seem fun. 🙂
I am fun, Robyn. I’m sure I’ll be back. I just pushed this post out on all my Tweet networks. So there’s some love for you.
Oh, that is so great of you!!! Thanks, JMac!!!
ohh…..#2!! when i look behind me & there’s nobody & they could have waited! That’s when I ride their ass!
Me too, Maddy!!! I mean, come on! UGH!! HATE!!!!
Ha! What a fun post. You really expressed my inner road rage.
I just went on your page. You sound very special and you deserve to have some inner road rage!! (Glad I could help though) 🙂
I love what you do. We bring kids with special needs up to camp. It’s amazing what a few days here does for them. Amazing!! 🙂
Jen Taich O'Dell says
Robyn- I love the way you write- you’re so funny! My husband is right there with you! He has noticed that most of the #4 drivers are driving something in a champagne color that resembles a boat. His other pet peeve is people who stop at a light & leave 1 or multiple car lengths of space between them & the car ahead of them. I’m not sure why they need so much space, but it makes me question their hygiene as well as their vision…
HA, Jen!! The hygiene question seems totally valid! How about when they take all that space and you need to turn and they won’t move up? Ugh. People…
Tell your husband I feel his pain 🙂
How about the driver that isn’t paying attention and makes everyone miss the light??? I try not to say hate either, but that guy really drives me nuts! Cute post.
Yeah, Whitney! I’m not so thrilled about that driver either. Green means GO!
7. Being lazy does not equate to being officially handicapped. You can’t f-ing park there just because it’s close to the entrance. It s close for a reason. So actual handicapped people can easily get to where they are going with as little stress as possible. M-Kay? (As you can tell, this infuriates me beyond belief)
“It’s close for a reason.” HAHAHAHA!! So true! That is a good one, Aimee. I kind of wish I had thought of it! 🙂
Robyn. Maybe lie low for a bit. ;). Vandal targets poorly parked cars
Mithra Ballesteros says
Hilarious and sadly, too true. I have always fantasized about becoming First Lady (too many skeletons in closet to be POTUS) and then I would designate as my personal platform this campaign: STOP DRIVING LIKE A DOUCHBAG”. I could see where some of the West Wing advisors might have objections but the world (especially Indiana) would thank me.
Count me in as one of the of ones who would thank you too, Mithra!
I don’t see why you can’t run with that as STOP DRIVING LIKE A DOUCHBAG as your platform.
I’d vote for you. I’d even donate. Actually, wait. I’ll throw you a freakin’ party and serve really good cake!!
Too bad you don’t live in Michigan. Indiana is lucky. I need you here.