• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Home
  • About
  • Sum Girls Boutique
  • “SUM” Services
  • Subscribe
  • Archives
  • Contact
  • Nav Social Menu

    • facebook
    • twitter
    • instagram
    • youtube
    • snapchat

Dim Sum and Doughnuts

A little SUMthing about growing up, making mistakes and happy endings.

You Don’t Have To Have Kids

February 15, 2017

Not long after I got married, one of my friends said to me: “You know… you don’t have to have kids. “ She said it in passing, and she said it lovingly, but when we hung up, I felt a little off balance.

On one hand, I liked that she was giving me permission not to have kids. It almost sounded like she was saying “Eh, you won’t be missing out on all that much if you don’t.”  

On the other hand, I didn’t like that it also sounded like she was saying “It’s OK not to have kids! And by the way, you probably shouldn’t.”

I never asked what she meant because really, what did it matter? She probably didn’t mean anything by it, but what if she did? If she wasn’t into being a mom, I wasn’t interested. No Thanks on those war stories. Or what if she had doubts about me being a mom? I didn’t need to hear that either.

Growing up, I always assumed I’d have the same kind of suburban life I grew up with. My mommy was a very present, very good mommy. She did all the mommy stuff and more. On top of that, my friends’ mommies and my mommy’s friends were all around me. Mommies were everywhere!

When I went to college, I went out of state so the mommy situation subsided quickly. No mommies at college. I spent those years, and the duration of my 20’s, with a very limited mommy presence—and I certainly wasn’t contemplating the idea of becoming one myself. The last (VERY LAST) thing on my mind was becoming a mommy. Trying NOT to be a mommy was more on my mind if you know what I mean (and I think you do).

I had a lot to get out of my system so it wasn’t until I was 34 years old that my husband (Cody) and I decided to adopt a kid. We didn’t decide to become parents. We didn’t decide to start a family. We decided we wanted to adopt a kid.

We were in northern Michigan at the summer camp where Cody is one of the directors. There happened to be a group of foster kids there, and I was in one of my “You can make any kid your kid” moods, so I brought up the idea of adopting a kid. As always, with my husband, I had to make my case: “Look at this place!” (Gesturing around camp) “We can give some kid a really good life.” We discussed and we researched, and it was Game On.

Before that moment though, I swear to you, I don’t ever remember discussing the idea of having kids. I think we knew at some point they were coming, but honestly, we were just having a good time being married. We had lives and careers and each other, and we were having fun. We had a good life.

But there we were. Right in the middle of that very SAME fun, that good life, thinking it might be a good idea to bring someone else in on it.

So, we went through a whole bunch of craziness (craziness I have already written about) until one day at almost 37 years old, there I was in the middle of another moment—a totally surreal moment of “Can someone please tell me what the F*CK I am doing in CHINA in an ORPHANAGE holding a BABY? A baby I’m supposed to take with me? And raise? Anyone??”

There was so much to do for the adoption— paperwork and finance stuff and hoops and hoops and hoops—we were busy. (Well, Cody was. He did pretty much everything. All I really did was come up with the idea. And I decorated.) My husband KILLED IT on his end. He was the rock, he made sure we were on point and prepared. And we were, in every way except one:

I had absolutely no clue how to be a mommy. And make no mistake—having a kid and being a mommy are two very different things.

Stay tuned for the next Dim Sum and Doughnuts post (Cliffhanger)! I’m going to break down some of my Go-To Mommy Tips and Tricks: Things people told me before having kids, and things I wish people told me. Becoming a mommy isn’t natural for everyone (Hi!), and even if you were born to be a mommy, it’s not always so easy.

Biological kids, adopted kids—you pick. When it comes to having kids, you certainly don’t have to, but if you’re thinking you might, we hope you come back for Part II because over the years, I have learned a few things that might help. And I’m ready to share.

Thank you for being here! Hope to see you for Part II!

XO, The DS&D Crew

Related posts:

I Am Who I Am
Rubber Gloves
DS&D (Life After Floyd Coden)
After The Wait

Share this:

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Email

Filed Under: Adoption, Marriage and Family, Parenthood & Parenting Tips Tagged With: Having Kids, motherhood, Raising Adopted Kids, Raising Biological Kids, Raising Kids, Real Talk About Kids, Starting A Family, Unlikely Moms

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Abbey says

    February 16, 2017 at 4:42 pm

    There was a time I thought I wasn’t going to have kids. I didn’t think adoption was for me. Seriously. Thank God I changed my mind on that one; however, not everyone does change their mind…and that is perfectly fine. It’s a very personal decision, and too many people (women especially) think their lives are defined by being a mommy or not being a mommy. The thing is, what really matters is how we treat others with that decision.

    Love that you have a “cliffhanger,” but you know I’ll always be back.
    xo,
    abb.

    • Robyn says

      February 16, 2017 at 6:02 pm

      Leave it to you, coming through with a good point! I wouldn’t have even considered writing about that (probably because I was never in that position) but I love that this post made you think of it. We all need to be respectful of other people’s decisions. Except when the decision is to move halfway across the country from their BFFL. Missing Denison Ave all the time. XO

  2. Judy says

    February 16, 2017 at 10:07 pm

    You are a terrific mommy. I .ove watching you in “mommy mode”.

    • Robyn says

      March 15, 2017 at 12:16 pm

      I learned from the best!!

  3. Jackie says

    February 16, 2017 at 10:41 pm

    I just think you’re brilliant and witty- that’s all I’ve got.

    • Robyn says

      March 15, 2017 at 12:14 pm

      I’m in love with you and I miss you terribly and that’s all I got. 🙂

Primary Sidebar

heading-about Dim Sum and Doughnuts
heading-subscribe

heading-categories
  • Parenthood & Parenting Tips
  • Camp Life
  • Adoption
  • Rants
  • Marriage & Family
  • Friendship
  • You’re Not Alone
  • Mailbag Monday!
  • Sum Of This, Sum Of That
  • 20 SUMthings
  • Dogs Rule
  • Relationships
  • Guest Post

heading-instagram

Before we opened, lots of people questioned why on Before we opened, lots of people questioned why on earth I’d “want to open a brick and mortar when everyone just shops online...?” 
⭐️
But you know what? SUM people like to shop in real life. They like to touch and try on. They like to be surrounded by good vibes and make memories. It’s good to get out, check out, and log off for a bit. 
⭐️
I’m not saying “Don’t shop online.” I’m just saying it’s also nice to add in another element. Small businesses are SUPER COOL and special — and I promise you, if they’re in business right now, it’s because they’re working super hard to keep their doors open. I have also been putting in the work, and I am feeling so grateful for the stellar group of customers, businesses and friends that support us and all we are trying to do. 
⭐️
Thank you @feministmomming for doing a spotlight on @dimsumanddoughnuts and @sumgirlsboutique and for reminding me how special my family, our brand, and our support system are to us. We are so grateful to have all of you in our lives and on our ride. 🙏 #SupportLocal #ShopSmall and Come Get SUM soon! 💜 #SumGirlsBoutique 
_______________________________
👗👚👖 Trendy, Sustainable Fashion + New Apparel & Accessories for Tweens * Teens * Ladies in #BerkleyMi
Challenge Accepted @poesygallery @moe_z_arts @shan Challenge Accepted @poesygallery @moe_z_arts @shan809 @debfuger @lmk126 @dianna.feldman 💜 Trying hard every day to build our brand so women and girls have a place to feel good about themselves and have SUM fun! So lucky to be surrounded by so many strong, amazing women who support me no matter what I do. 🙏💜 @sumgirlsboutique @dimsumanddoughnuts #womensupportingwomen
On Sat, March 28, 2020 our daughter’s dream came On Sat, March 28, 2020 our daughter’s dream came true ⭐️ •
•••••
Instead of having her Bat Mitzvah service in the Rabbi’s Study, family only (which was still more people than she wanted) she got to have it at home with just us! 🎉 •
•••••
Frankie will forever be the first person EVER from the congregation of #TempleBethEl to be Bat Mitzvah’d via #ZOOM in the comfort of her own home! Dress Code: #QuarantineCasual.👌🏻 •
•••••
It was the most incredible experience for our family, including #BrunoMarshall 🐾, and we couldn’t be prouder of our amazing daughter. ❤️🙏 •
•••••
#DimSumAndDoughnuts 
#GrowingUp 
#QuarantineBatMitzvah #wehadatorahinourhouse
In the midst of the COVID-19 yuckiness and all the In the midst of the COVID-19 yuckiness and all the crap it has thrown at our family (and so many others), it’s still #GotchaDay and it needs to be celebrated! 🎉 12 years this diva has been with us and we love her more every day. ❤️ 🥘 🍩 @DimSumAndDoughnuts • @sumgirlsboutique #daughterlove #daughterlife #adoptionday
#NationalAdoptionMonth, yo! 🙌🏻 If you are ad #NationalAdoptionMonth, yo! 🙌🏻 If you are adopted or have an adopted kid, take 20% OFF any one regularly priced item @sumgirlsboutique on Sat, Nov 23 cuz #adoptionrocks! 🎸 ❤️ •
•
#SumGirlsBoutique • Trendy, Current, #SustainableFashion + New Apparel & Accessories for Tweens, Teens & Ladies of all Ages in #downtownberkley
#internationaldayofthegirl is a day to promote the #internationaldayofthegirl is a day to promote the empowerment of young girls everywhere-but we try to do that everyday @sumgirlsboutique! 💜⭐️ 💪🏻 Come see us and Come Get SUM sooooon! •
•
Trendy, Current, #SustainableFashion + New Apparel & Accessories for Tweens, Teens & Ladies of all Ages in #DowntownBerkley💜@dimsumanddoughnuts
Did not know about #NationalDaughtersDay until it Did not know about #NationalDaughtersDay until it was too late, but I did write a blog post for those divas and it took me a YEAR and I hope they appreciate it one day! 😜😜 #DontBeStupid #mothersanddaughters #growingup  #DimSumAndDoughnuts #sumgirlsboutique •
•
Blog Post link in bio (It’s a gooooood one!)
Photo Cred @mikemoy
Happy #NationalDogDay from this handSUM guy! 💜 Happy #NationalDogDay from this handSUM guy! 💜 #BrunoMarshall #BlackLabs #LoveForDogs
One night only! We were all together, and now they One night only! We were all together, and now they’re all gone... 😢Cody and #BrunoMarshall came to get the divas, and now they’re #camptanuga bound! Bring on the magic • 2019 ❤️🌈⛺️#tanugamagic #tanuga #campwifelife
These two came home from NYC with two new loves: # These two came home from NYC with two new loves: #governorsisland and #pokernight - and the most love for their Uncle D 💛 @dstortion #BKgirls #DimSumAndDoughnuts / @sumgirlsboutique
#BrownAndWhiteStripes in our hearts and home and c #BrownAndWhiteStripes in our hearts and home and closets forever. ❤️ #DimSumAndDoughnuts #gonebutneverforgotten #henribendel #bendelgirlsforlife #bendelgirls | @henribendel @dimsumanddoughnuts
@dimsumanddoughnuts divas #BehindTheScenes at @sum @dimsumanddoughnuts divas #BehindTheScenes at @sumgirlsboutique 💕 @mphmarketingsolutions #DowntownBerkley
So happy we got to be a part of this amazing story So happy we got to be a part of this amazing story and that we are teamed up with the #DrewTransitionCenter in #Detroit! ❤️#SumGirlsBoutique #DimSumAndDoughnuts 
#EmpowerPotential #Confidence #Support #Smiles / @dimsumanddoughnuts
#NationalAdoptionDay 💜 #NationalAdoptionDay 💜
#HappyHalloween from #johnandyoko ❤️🎃👻 #HappyHalloween from #johnandyoko ❤️🎃👻
Late to the party, as usual. I missed #nationaldau Late to the party, as usual. I missed #nationaldaughtersday but these divas are getting a whole blog written for them one day so I don’t feel that guilty! @dimsumanddoughnuts #daughters #sisters #momlife #momblog #dimsumanddoughnuts
Follow on Instagram

heading-recent-posts

Mona

June 30, 2020

The Eyedeegafs

April 16, 2020

Don’t Be Stupid, Part 2

August 8, 2019

Don’t Be Stupid

August 15, 2018

links

  • Adoptimist.com
heading-connect
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • Snapchat
MPH Marketing Solutions In Berkley, MI
funky-frog-boutique
camp-tanuge
pronto
Kay_Bratt
 

Copyright © 2022 Dim Sum and Doughnuts

loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.