The sucky part about almost anything is the wait: Waiting in line, waiting your turn, waiting to get served. All of it. Sucks. Sometimes the wait isn’t that bad, but that’s usually for something that isn’t that good. But if it’s something good, like really good, there’s usually a wait.
Having a baby is one of those things. Even if you get knocked up the same day you decide you try, you’re still waiting for D-Day. And most people don’t get preg the day they decide to try, so there’s waiting. For some, there’s A LOT of waiting. And for others, it never happens at all.
For those who find it’s never going to happen, they have some choices:
- No kids
- Fertility treatments
- Explore other options
Many people assume because I have a child who was adopted that I was infertile. I wasn’t. I was impatient.
Our original plan was to have one and then adopt one, but things don’t always go as planned.
When we first decided it was Go Time, I gave myself 3 months to get pregnant. It didn’t happen so I stepped it up. I tried fertility drugs to boost the process, but I didn’t like the drugs. They made me crazy(er).
So we changed the game and went with the sure thing: We decided to adopt first.
Normally, adoption is a last resort. I get that—and I have no judgment. Pregnancy just wasn’t for me, and on some level I always knew it wouldn’t be. It’s a lot of responsibility being pregnant. You have to watch everything that goes into your body because you are literally growing another human. It’s major.
And then, the big day finally comes, and what a super, fun-filled day that is! Labor and pain and pain and PAIN and if you’re REALLY lucky (like me), you get to have your stomach sliced open in an emergency C-section. HOORAY!!!
The adoption was much better for me. Outside of the waiting and the paperwork (and more paperwork), I was totally down with our adoption experience. Our trip to China was very special, and so were the people we met along the way—most of whom are still in our life.
I can’t speak to adopting a kid over 11 months old (because that’s how old ours was when we got her), but I’m 100% sure she doesn’t remember one second of her life before that day. As a matter of fact, she doesn’t even remember that day!
I do though. I remember everything. We were clueless idiots, staring at our new baby and her staring back like “Who the hell are YOU?” and us like “Forget THAT! What the hell did WE JUST DO?”
But here we are, 8 years later.
I’m not saying our way is the the right way, I’m just saying it’s another way.
Some people want to be pregnant. They want to experience the miracle of pregnancy and childbirth. Totally understandable. Others simply prefer a child who is “the fruit of their loins.” That word “loins” is gross but still, totally understandable.
I just never cared. I don’t know why.
Yes, it’s a little messed up that we have no medical history on our child, I will concede to that, but there’s also something nice about not knowing. I don’t concern myself with whether she’s going to have bum shoulders and I know she won’t be bugging me for a nose job.
Instead, I have passed on other things. Things more powerful than DNA—things that truly make “some” kid your kid. And these are the things that help make them the person they become.
But it’s only natural to want to have a kid of “your own.” I get that. Even I like to check out families and look for resemblance. It’s fun! People do it all the time to us too when I’m with my little one: She has your eyes! Wait! She has your husband’s eyes! And I’m all What about her teeth? Jacked! Did you get a look at those? The older one has jacked up teeth too but hers aren’t my fault.
And obviously, if you have “Prince” like talent or “Einstein” intelligence, for sure figure out a way to get knocked up because this world is always in need of greatness.
But if you’re not that great—you’re just normal great, like us—and baby making isn’t working out as planned, please take just one minute to ask yourself this:
What’s more important to you, having a baby or being a parent?
Because having a baby isn’t what makes you a parent, raising a child is. And after all the waiting is over, the child you raise is up to you.
I married into patience.
Me too. It hasn’t really rubbed off on me though 🙂
My brother and his wife waited for over 10 years to get pregnant. I always wondered why they didn’t go another route like adoption, but as close as we are I couldn’t have that conversation with him as I know he was hurting so much. They eventually, after 1000’s of dollars, became pregnant so the waiting and hurting was obviously what they were prepared to do to have their own baby.
This is pretty personal but after I had my boy, very young and on my own, I’ve waited for years for that ‘right’ moment to have another baby. I can get pregnant, that’s not the issue, but this time I wanted to do it ‘right’. I now realise after all that waiting that there is no perfect situation, no right choice…life is what you make it. I brought up a great kid on my own and he is everything…I wish, now it’s too late, I hadn’t waited so long to do it again.
That must be such a hard thing to live with, Eddie, and even harder to share. When your son has kids, you will undoubtedly be one HELL of a Nana. You will make up for everything you think you missed, at a fraction of the cost! I think you are very special and we are all very lucky to have you here. Thank you so much. XOXOXO
Took us 8 years to have our kids. Well worth the wait!
AMEN to that, sister!!! 🙂
Amazing post, as it reminded me of the importance of appreciating what we have. We tried unsuccessfully to have a baby and after numerous miscarriages (8), doctors bills and lots of mourning decided to go the adoption route. In the end, we had our miracle baby and the adoption was put on hold. I am so thrilled to have my daughter in my life. But like you said – the real work is in raising one’s child. Thanks for this post and for sharing your story!
Thank you for sharing YOUR story. That could not have been easy for you—going through it and now reliving it. You KILL as a daddy and your daughter will always have sisters in my girls, just as you will always have a sister in me. LOVE YOU SO MUCH. Miss you guys every day.
That was really terrific…said in you own, personal style. The narrative was SO you and SO expressive. Having been through a part of your story, I understand much of what you wrote and love you even more for writing it!!!!!
I’m glad you’re able to hear me through the writing. Thank you and thank you for being here! I love that our bond has lasted all these years. XOXOXO
One day, about a year after we brought my niece home from China, Mom was watching her daughter & granddaughter and said to to my sister, “Some people want to be an astronaut or a fireman or an actor when they grew up. You just wanted to be a mommy when you grew up.” My sister’s only response was a satisfied smile (and a bop in the nose from her daughter). AJ was single (despite a couple of good relationships that didn’t pan out over the years) and had apparently decided long ago that she was going to be a mother by the age of 40 — so she did what she had to do in order to meet that goal after ruling out having a baby the “old fashioned” way with someone she didn’t really care for. Gotta say I’m proud of my “baby” sister… and am glad to read posts like this one that acknowledge the wonderful insanity that goes into becoming a parent regardless of the method. 🙂
I’m proud of your sister too. Good for her! Those are the best role models. She wanted something and she figured how to do it without making herself crazy or compromising her integrity. Your mom must have done some good work because I have always enjoyed you and your sister sounds equally as cool. 🙂
Robyn
You never disappoint. Loved this post. Deciding to be a single mom was a hard decision – one that needed to really ensure I was ready for….of course the 6+ year wait for my referral really made sure I was ready and allowed for a lot of fun while waiting……..now that T had been home 2 years I can honestly say best job EVER………she may not look like me and I don’t know her history but there’s no denying she’s 100% mine. Couldn’t imagine what life would be like during the wait- hoped I would find the way and now I realize you find the way as you go – sometimes you need a flashlight, other times you may take a wrong turn or someone helps point you in the right direction…. but at the end of the day wouldn’t trade anything for where we are right now.
Thanks!
Shannon
I’m crying. Flat out crying. That is exactly it. All the twists and turns are part of the journey but in the end we end up where we are supposed to be. I really do believe that. You’re so right and I’m so happy you are here. 6 years? That’s pretty impressive. It was up to a 4-6 year wait when we wanted to adopt the 2nd time and I was like “No.” I was too old for that kind of wait and I didn’t want the girls to be that far apart. It made me sad at the time because I thought we’d have two from China, but like you said, I wouldn’t trade one thing for how it all worked out. XOXOXO I adore you. XOXO